Change

When little things in life start changing, it never stops. Then one day you wake up and suddenly everything has changed--nothing seems the same. In my life, when change happens, it always seems to happen fast and abruptly and it can be overwhelming at times.

I often look back and wonder how I ended up where I am today. Working at Grace to You, living with my dad, my sister living in Uganda, and my mom in heaven. It seems crazy how nothing has turned out the way I expected.

But, in the midst of all the change, I know the One who never changes. I know the One who turns and shifts not. He is steadfast and I can anchor soul in Him, as well as anchor myself to Him in regards to my everyday worries, concerns, and thoughts. Praise God who is the alpha and omega!

California Dreamin'

I had a dream last night.

I was in a wedding. It was Hannah Schoof's wedding, which is odd because Hannah is not Hannah Schoof anymore...she is Hannah Ledwell, and I wasn't in the wedding. In my dream, Hannah's wedding was in Malibu at 5 p.m. I was supposed to be there at 4 p.m. which is also odd, because if you are in a wedding, you are usually there more than an hour before it starts. HA! HA! And in my dream, my sister was making me late. It was after 4 p.m. and my sister was still laying on her bed with cucumbers on her eyes. I was furious! And my sister was mad at me for being so "uptight." Don't know if I ever made it to the wedding. I'm glad my alarm woke me up! I'm glad it was just a dream. And I'm glad Hannah is happily married and none of her bridesmaids were late. :)

Reading to Think

I'm reading C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce and naturally, like all C.S. Lewis novels do, it got me thinking. I don't know if Lewis said this, implied it , or just sparked a thought in my head, but I was reflecting on how often unbelievers have relatively easy, comfortable lives. And how many believers endure some unbelievably insane trials.

And then I thought about the deceptiveness of Satan. What better trick than to lull nonbelievers comfortably into hell than to make them happy, content, and feeling full with their lives here on earth. Then they don't need a savior. Yet when a believer endures a trial, they are forced to wrestle with God until he blesses them (in a spiritual sense). They are forced to question and test their faith and come out clinging to God even more tightly than before.

And I realized--trials really are from the Lord! What a hard concept to grasp...but trials really are a love offering from our Savior to us. He could simply let us live a life of ease and comfort, but in His graciousness He gives us what is needful to make us His own for once in salvation and each day through sanctification.

A Weekend in Boston

What a crazy and fast weekend. I went to Boston for my cousin's wedding. I left Friday night and flew back in Sunday night. Like I said--crazy and fast. Highlights of the weekend?

1. Breakfast with my Dad at Cracker Barrel

2. Groom and groomsmen in kilts

3. Bride with a rip-away skirt/train (shorter dance dress underneath)

4. Tour of Notre-Dame Church

5. Three hour nap on Saturday morning.

6. Seeing my family/cousins I haven't seen for a while

7. Finishing 2 (almost 3) books I was in the middle of reading

8. Meeting a famous movie producer on the plane on the way home

9. Seeing baby Eli

10. Having dinner at The Melting Pot with my sweet boyfriend, J.T.

Living Out Christ

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to live a life totally dedicated to Christ. And I think in many ways I've got it wrong. I get so concerned about "doing, doing, doing" that I forget the one needful thing--to sit at the feet of Christ. It's so much easier to be a Martha than a Mary. It's good to be involved, it's good to help. I love being involved in ministry...it's who I am. But I have to remember that ministry takes different forms. I can be "in ministry" no matter where I am and what I'm doing. In fact, I am commanded to be a light of the gospel whether I am in California or Uganda. I have to remember, God's calling for my life may be different than I've always thought. I just want to be faithful. Faithful to the gifts the Lord has given me and the desires he has put in my heart.

How Do You Say Goodbye

Tonight at Bible study is our last Wednesday with our shepherd Bryan and his wife Lindsey. Bryan graduated from seminary on Sunday and they will be moving with their son Nathanael and their little boy on the way. They'll be going to Chicago to be trained at Harvest Bible and then they will church plant in Texas. So, it's bitter sweet, because obviously I am so excited for them to pursue this wonderful opportunity, but it's also going to be hard to say goodbye.

The Paynes have just been a great example of trusting in the Lord, even in hard times and I've seen the Lord's faithfulness in their care for me, especially through my mother's death. Bryan was so faithful to pray for me and even with me and to point me where my mind needed to be. I am so eternally thankful for the Paynes!

Mother's Day

I have a charge to give you, at least those of you who are reading this. I'm sure you've realized this Sunday is Mother's Day. And I can't tell you how many times I let mother's Day pass without truly being thankful for my mom. Of course I would give her a gift or a card or take her to eat, but so often I neglected to be TRULY thankful.

So I just want to encourage you all, appreciate your moms. Go out of your way to do something memorable and special this year--it's not too late. Don't take your mom for granted because you never know how long you have with her--time really is short and the days are evil. We have to make the most of them by being obedient to Christ's command to hold our parents in high honor and respect.

Happy Mother's Day!

La Vida Loca

Tonight I'm going bowling with 50 highschoolers, dressed like I came from the 70's.

This weekend my coworker is having a themed dinner...the theme is pandemics. The menu is mad cow, avian water (avian flu), pork (swine flu), and spinach with tomatos. Dessert is jello and pudding.

Saturday I am attending my 5th wedding in a span of two months.

Tweet:

From World Magazine: 4/25/08

After use for years in Africa, officials in the United Kingdom may have a new tool in the fight against lost landmines: rats. Handlers at the Porfell Wildlife Park in Cornwall recently imported a Gambian pouched rat named Kofi that, according to trainer Wendy Winstanley, could be useful to British army and police for bomb detection. Already used by locals in Mozambique, the rats have proved themselves as valuable mine detectors. With a nose more sensitive than most dogs and a weight that allows them to run through a minefield without detonating anything, a trained Gambian pouched rat can clear 1,000 square feet of a minefield in about 30 minutes.

Lemon Yogurt and Such

This world is so fallen and sinful, I'm surprised "bad" things don't happen more. But that just makes God's grace so apparent and all the more lavish to me.

Little graces have been jumping out at me since last night. It started with my friend giving me a home-grown strawberry from her little strawberry plant. It was perfectly red, perfectly shaped. I'd never seen such a picturesque little strawberry! And it tasted as good as it looked. It was sweet and juicy. And as I ate it, I thought of God's common grace to mankind. His patience. His longsuffering. I don't deserve to enjoy a strawberry like that.

And even now. The fact that I can sit here at the computer with my Trader Joe's lemon yogurt and enjoy each sweet, creamy bite boggles my brain.

What a truly good and generous God we serve. Even when things go wrong, I still see how God's hand is merciful and gentle. And it goes way beyond strawberries and yogurt. The more I reflect on the work Christ did on the cross, the more I realize that my life should be characterized by thanksgiving. How could it possible be anything less?

Stream Of What?

My palms are sweating and my heart is pounding. It's Wednesday and I still don't know what to write about on my blog.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. My palms are not sweating and my heart is not pounding. When I began typing this blog 4 sentences ago, I didn't know what I was going to write about, that part is true.

Have you ever heard of stream of consciousness? It's a form of writing where you simply follow the thoughts in someone's brain. Naturally this makes for more random and less connected writing when you let your thoughts control the flow of the writing. So I think I'll write a little stream of consciousness for a minute and let you follow the thoughts in my brain.

I'm tired.
Can't wait to clean the Green's house tonight.
Glad I got directions, hope I can find it.
Hope Jen is not so stressed out today.
I think I ate too much at lunch...my stomach hurts.
Shoot, I forgot to put $5 in the basket for dinner last night. I'll have to pay Ann on Sunday.
I can't believe it cost $51 to mail my sister's package to Uganda.
If she doesn't get it I will be so upset.
My mom's rings are so pretty.
My hands got so dry from doing all those dishes this past weekend.
My foot is killing me today. I really hope it's not a stress fracture.
Why do I keep checking my email, calm down, Janea.
I can't believe Hannah is getting married on Saturday.
Saturday is going to be so busy...
I feel bad Amanda is so sick.
I need to work on Ephesians.

Alright, alright, you get the point! If I keep going, it could get scary!

Confessions of a Blogoholic (not really....I read like 3 blogs)

So, I have a confession. It's been driving me crazy lately to read other people's blogs. Everyone has cute, funny, silly anecdotes about things their kids are doing--like writing with crayons on the walls, or saying things that only kids say. Well, sorry. I don't have kids. So you won't find any cute stories like that on my blog. And I don't want my blog to become depressing, so I don't just want to talk about my trials like I have been for the past few months.

A friend who reads my blog was surprised to find out that I have a sense of humor (now that is sad). I was told that if you only know me from my blog, you wouldn't know what a goof I am.

So, dear readers (yes, all three of you), I am on a quest to find myself...my blogging self that is. To decide what my next blog should be about and what direction it should take. I'm open to suggestions. :)

Cheesecake and News

For many months now, me and a group of old friends have been trying to find a time to get together for dinner. We all live so far away from each other, scattered around, so coordinating our schedules was not an easy task. But it finally happened! Last night we were able to meet at Cheesecake factory. I am so thankful to the Lord for putting ladies in my life that I've known for a long time--ladies that will always be dear friends no matter how long we go without seeing each other. Everyone needs people in their life like that.

God is so good! I just marvel at His timing. It seems like almost everyone in the group had some sort of big news--engagement, baby--whatever it may be. And if we had been able to meet when we first wanted to, we would not have been able to share all the news together in such a special way. Last night was a night of catching up and rejoicing.

Nights like last night remind me that friendship is a unique gift from God and I praise the Lord for that!

St. Patrick's Day

It's hard to believe that in 2000, exactly 9 years ago today, I was in Belfast Ireland with my mom. We had a couple of days of not sleeping because the Irish were preparing to celebrate. "Preparing to celebrate" means having a party every night for the entire week before March 17th, getting drunk, and making lots of noise. So, that "lots of noise" kept my mom and I awake 'til the wee hours of the mornin'.

I remember being amazed at hearing the TRUE story of St. Patrick for the first time. I had no idea that St. Patrick has been kidnapped as a child and many, many, years later escaped. Then he decided to return to Ireland as a missionary to the people who had kidnapped him. They don't teach that in elementary school. :)

I saw the Great Causeway...the most beautiful landscape I've ever seen--on the northern coast. Words can't even describe the beauty of the crystal sea crashing into the cliffs that were carefully, craftily, carved out by the Lord--for His good pleasure. That we might see and know that He is God. Even creation declares His majesty.

As beautiful as God's creation is, it is nothing in comparison to heaven! I can't even imagine the glories that await me--the glories that my mom is experiencing right now! If she remembers what we saw in Ireland, I know she's thinking, "you think that's pretty? Just wait, Janea, just wait."

The Last Three Months

Wow! What a journey...and it's not over. The last few months have been such a whirlwind...so much has happened. It's difficult to process it all. My friend's mom died of cancer also about a year ago and I remember reading his blog soon after she went to be with the Lord. He said he's learned that it takes a lot of courage to die of cancer. I never fully grasped how true that is until the last few months.

I've talked with my mom's closest friend and she shared a conversation she had with mom about death. She asked my mom if she was afraid. And while my mom was honest...that yes, it is scary, she told her friend that now is when faith becomes real. My mom shared with her friend that she believed God's promises, she believed the truth about heaven and she shared how she was clinging to her faith in all that God has declared in His Word. My mom's faith never wavered. She fought the good fight and she endured until the very end. My mom was the most courageous woman I've ever known.

So now, I seek to live my mom's legacy. I want to receive the crown of righteousness--the same crown that my mom is wearing right now as she worships her Lord face-to-face. I don't want to waste this trial. I want to make the most of it...to let the Lord work in my heart and in my life and to shape me and make me more like Him. I want to let this trial do it's perfect work to make my faith complete and mature, lacking nothing. And I want be able to say with everything that is in me--I AM THANKFUL!

BACK!

I can't even tell you how overwhelmed I am by the body of Christ. I've seen it at work before in the lives of other people--how the body comes together to support, uplift, encourage and help each other. But never before have I experienced such an outpouring of love. To be on this side of it is such an amazing experience. As cliche as it may sound, I really feel Christ's love being shown to me through so many of you!

Averill Brown

“I’ll love Thee in life and I’ll love Thee in death
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath.
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus tis now.”

On February 10th, 2009 at 6:35am Averill Brown’s faith became sight. After a bout with breast cancer in 1994 and a painful battle with bone cancer for the past 5 years, the Lord called her home to rest. She endured faithfully until the end and the entire family was able to be there by her bedside when she passed on to glory.

We’ve spent the last few months taking care of Averill as the cancer left her bedridden and unable to move. As a family we’ve experienced many ups and downs during this time, but a constant theme resonated—TRUST THE LORD! James--trust the Lord to provide. You are the man and provider, but I can provide for your family’s every need better than you. Caleb, Alair---trust the Lord with Nicholas. I am the father to the fatherless. (Nicholas is the adorable little boy Caleb and Alair are adopting and had to leave in Uganda). Janea--you won’t find security anywhere but in me. Trust the Lord with your future.

We are thankful for all of the love and support so many have shown us these last few years and especially these last few months. We have seen the hand of the Lord throughout it all. We write this letter, not as those who mourn without hope, but as those who have a glorious hope realized in Christ Jesus. And we trust that you will rejoice with us as we celebrate the home-going of a vessel of God’s glory.

James, Caleb and Alair, and Janea

A memorial service will be held at Grace Community Church 13248 Roscoe Blvd. Sun Valley, CA 91352 on Friday, February 20 at 5:00pm. in the chapel.

Makes Me Smile

My cute little nephew Nicolas. Don't you just want to pinch him and hug him and kiss him and squeeze him? He's in Uganda...so that will have to wait. :(

Fresh Air

This past weekend two of my sister's friends from Indiana came to stay with us and help out. One of the ladies is a nurse, the other an eager servant. It was nice for my sister to have some friend time and it was really nice for me to meet two wonderful sisters in Christ and to pray with them and fellowship. They were so helpful with my mom. It was such a nice break. I'm so thankful they were willing to sacrifice their time to come, use their unique gifts, and just love on us. Praise God for the body of Christ.

My mom is pretty much doing the same physically, she was in a lot of pain today though. But there is a praise. For the first time, she seems really ready and desiring to go to heaven and see Jesus. I've seen a peace in my mom the past few days that I haven't seen through this entire process. It's a joy and I'm praising the Lord!

Thanks for your prayers.

Enduring

So many ups and downs...

Today my mom had an "episode." She was just screaming and it's impossible to comfort her. And since it's not possible to make sense of what she is saying, it's hard to know how to help her. We just sing and pray and try to ease her anxiety.

Praying for wisdom to know how to best help my mom.

Praying for an understanding for what she's trying to communicate.

Praying for peace.

Praying for God's timing.

Praying we are all learning whatever lessons God intends for us to learn through this.

Connecticut

I have to apologize for not updating my blog sooner. It has been way too long, I know that. And I know that some people actually do check it to see what's been happening with my mom--thank you for that and I apologize for dropping the ball on my blog. The road has been long and has been filled with ups and downs. I came to Connecticut before Christmas and I am still here. Though my mom's body is like a shell, the Lord continues to sustain her life. Even though my mom is a strong woman and a fighter, I know her life is sustained right now by God alone, not by her will and it's for an eternal purpose. And the Lord in His infinite wisdom is choosing to wait to take her home.

The last few days my mom hasn't eaten much at all, it is hard even to wake her to eat anything. And she has not been responsive or really able to talk at all. So it could be soon now that the Lord takes her home. That's what we've been praying...that the Lord will take her peacefully and quickly. And trust me, that's not an easy prayer to pray. But the more I meditate on things eternal and see how frail life is and how much pain my mom is in, the more I long for her to be in heaven with her Savior. I believe the Lord is using this time to prepare me as much as He is preparing my mom.

I've been praying a verse from Colossians each night for my mom before she goes to bed...that she would be strengthened with all might, fully pleasing Him being fruitful in every good work, according to His glorious power, who has rescued us from darkness and qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.

Please pray the same for me, that I would walk in the Spirit, being kind and gracious to my family and that my longing to be home in CA would not be too overwhelming.

Until next time, faithful readers!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

What a bitter sweet time to be taking care of my mom through this journey. I'm learning so much what it means to be perfected through suffering and trials. Heaven is so much more real to me...just a breath away. Right now my mom is not coherent, she sleeps most of the time and we can barely rouse her long enough to eat the few bites that she will take. The hospice nurse came yesterday and said that was to be expected as part of the progression of the cancer. He estimates that we are in my mom's last several days (2 weeks at the most).

Despite the lack of sleep, nerves on edge, and long days, there have been many sweet and precious moments that I am going to cherish for the rest of my life. I'd like to share a couple.

When my uncle was over at the house the other day, he was singing some songs to my mom. All of the sudden, she started singing with him, Amazing Grace. She had the words all mixed up, but she was singing at the top of her lungs. Both my dad and I went running into the bedroom because we couldn't believe it unless we saw it with our own eyes. My mom's voice was still beautiful--it brought tears to my dad's eyes.

At another point a few days ago when my mom was a little more coherent, we asked her how she felt thinking about heaven. She said, "Jesus will be beautiful and I will have a new body for snowing." :)

Well today, it's snowing here and it is absolutely beautiful. It will be a white Christmas for me and my family. I'll see if I can post a few pictures tomorrow. Thanks for all of your prayers.

What us Crazy Grace to You People Do After Work

Our white elephant gift exchange...don't ask.

Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJ7Y-lff_8o

Being a Living Testimony

"It behooves us, therefore, not only for our own sakes, but also for the sake of the Kingdom of God and the glory of the Christ in Whom we believe, to represent him and His cause, His message and His power in such a way that men and women, far from being antagonized, will be drawn and attracted as they observe us, whatever our circumstances or condition. We must so live that they will be compelled to say: Would to God I could be like that, would to God I could live in this world and go through this world as that person does. Obviously, if we are cast down ourselves we are never going to be able to funtion in that way."

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance." (Psalm 42:5)

We need to know our weaknesses, our personalities, and our tendencies so that we can stop and say to our soul, WHY ARE YOU DOWNCAST? HOPE IN GOD!

This totally encouraged me today! Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

A beautiful face--under a black mask! (William Secker, "The Consistent Christian" 1660)

"What! Shall we receive good at the hand of God--and shall we not receive evil?"
Job 2:10
The consistent Christian speak well of God--whatever evil he receives from God. To bless God for mercies--is the way to increase them; to bless God for miseries--is the way to remove them. Did not the possession of riches sometimes draw away our hearts--then the loss of them would not break our hearts!
"The Lord gives--and the Lord takes away; blessed be the Name of the Lord." Job 1:21.
God gives before He takes--and He takes only what He gives! The hour-glass of outward happiness soon runs out! Today Job is the richest man in all the east; tomorrow Job is the poorest man in all the world. Yet his heart was like a fruitful paradise--when his estate was like a barren wilderness! Though God burnt up his houses--yet his palace (his heart) was left standing. Outward mercies are like the tide--which ebbs as well as flows. They are like the sky--which sometimes is clear, and at another time clouded. They are like a budding flower--which opens on a warm day, and shuts on a cold day. If God bless us in taking--as well as in giving; let us bless Him for taking--as well as for giving. That is a choice artist--who can play well upon a broken instrument. To be impatient with our affliction--and patient with our corruption; is to be angry with the medicine which heals us--and in love with the poison which kills us! Beloved, it is sometimes a mercy to us--that God removes outward mercies from us! He never wounds a saint to kill him--but to heal him! God does but take that out of your hands--which would thrust Him out of your heart! Too many think that God is cutting down the whole tree--when He is but lopping off its wasteful branches. They imagine that He is demolishing the superstructure, when He is only laying a right foundation. Poor souls, He is not nipping the flowers--but plucking up the weeds! He is not laying your land fallow--but ploughing the field! God's Providence has a beautiful face--under a black mask! God has the fairest ends--in the foulest ways! The sheep may be dipped in water to wash it--when there is no design in the Good Shepherd to drown it!Christian reader, you may read the marks of a kind Father--in the severe stripes of His children. Every twig of His black rod of affliction--is but to draw His lovely image upon you!

On the Lighter Side

Sorry For the Inconvenience

-World Magazine, November 2008

Even British burglars have manners—sort of. Days after frightening a 91-year-old woman during a home invasion, the burglar sent an apology note along with a bouquet of flowers to her Halifax home, about 200 miles north of London. In the note, the robber explained he believed the residence to be empty when he broke in around 4 a.m. on Oct. 9. Police said the perpetrator left the home empty-handed, but have asked him to come forward with his identity, not just a floral arrangement.

On the Road Again

So the last few days have been rough for my mom, she's been in a lot of pain. Up until now, the pain medication seemed to be doing the trick, but it looks like it's time to up the dose or do something differently. She just doesn't want the dosage to be so high that she's sleeping all the time.

The strange part is, even though my mom sounds the same when I talk to her on the phone, the cancer continues to ravage her body. She's lost a lot of weight and guesses that she is under 100 lbs. at this point.

I'm ashamed to admit that when I pray, there is a hint of doubt that God will do a miracle and heal her. I know He is able, and I know He can intervene at any moment and remove all traces of any cancer cells in her body. But I also know he may use the cancer as a means to take her to glory. May I bless Him either way!

I'll be going out to Connecticut on Friday and I'll be there for Thanksgiving. I'll be gone ten days and I come back December 1. Then I'll work for a couple of weeks and head back east again on December 22 for Christmas and return January 4.

My sister and her husband, Caleb will be coming out from Uganda--so we will all be together for Thanksgiving. We are so thankful for this time we will all have together. And I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with my family and enjoying every minute we have together.

Thanks for all of your prayers!

Learning...

Psalm 40:1-5
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet up on a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and will trust in the Lord. Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, and does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside lies. Many, O Lord my God, are your wonderful works which you have done; and your thoughts which are toward us can not be recounted to You in order; if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered."

This passage was such an encouragement to me today. The Lord knows my heart and He hears my cries. He's not against me...but rather His thoughts toward me are countless! He establishes my feet on firm ground. I pray that many will see my faith and hear the new song the Lord has put in my heart so that they will come to believe .

A Letter From My Friend Megan and A Testimony to Me, I Pray to Respond the Same Way

This is a letter from my friend Megan who lost her mother on Sunday. Since both of our mom's have cancer and have been going through similar things, Megan and I have been emailing, texting, calling, and doing our best to encourage each other through this time. Please be praying for her and her family.

“Watching and waiting our whole life through
For the moment when we arrive in glory
We’ll be standing before His emerald throne
Oh what a day it will be
All tears are gone and suffering ceased
Perfect new life, no earthly strife
For we finish the race, run to His embrace
Oh what a day that will be
When we’ve arrived, stunned and surprised,
all things resolved in the blink of an eye
No more distractions, no sin left to fight
The first glimpse of Jesus and faith becomes sight”

My mom’s faith has now become sight. At one o’clock this morning, she arrived home! Dad, Jordan, Nao, and I were able to be by her side as she took her last breath. We are joyful that she is no longer suffering and that she finished her race with excellence. Though no words can express how much we miss her, we find peace and joy knowing that she is where she always longed to be (and indeed, was created to be) before her heavenly Father… praising and glorifying His name!!

Praise the Lord for His grace to us, particularly in this time. It has and continues to be more than sufficient to meet our needs and comfort our hearts. We know that mom’s ultimate desire was for her family and friends to know the joy, satisfaction, peace, blessing, and contentment she knew – which came only from knowing Jesus as her Lord and Savior! Praise the Lord that her life was a testimony and reflection of God’s amazing grace!

We thank you for your love, support, and prayers.
-Megan

My Gift for Spelling Reverie

A Writer's Reveire

There is much I do not know
Much about, so
The axiom, write what you know,
Leaves me with a small scope;
As I cannot go wide,
I shall try to go deep,
And high, to the earth I can excavate,
The heavens writely rate,
Until words empty pen
And I have reason to write again.

-Elizabeth Knussman

*This poem was given to me by an encouraging friend at work today!

Refreshed

2 Corinthians 4:8
"We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed... For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Do I believe this? Do I trust God's Word as true and infallible? Do I believe it with a heart confidence that will lay down my life on the stakes that it is true? Yes! My heart shouts a resounding, yes! Then I must bear up under trials in victory and not merely hang on by a thread. The Holy Spirit within me is infinately powerful--in Him I can do all things. He sets and fixes my mind on the truth. God's glory is my ultimate goal, before my comfort, before my happiness. If suffering will in some way bring God glory and cause me (and others) to come before our King with thanksgiving, then so be it. If suffering will produce in me eternal riches that far outweigh any blessings afforded on this earth, then so be it! If trials will renew my spirit, despite what they do to me physically or emotionally, then so be it. And may the Lord grant me mercy to endure and a renewed mind to think biblically in the midst of it all.

How To Die With Grace

I can't imagine what it's like to know you have a limited amount of time before you die. In some ways, I'd almost rather not know. But I also thinks it's a great blessing to be able to prepare, plan, say good bye, and get your heart and mind ready to meet your Savior.

I often wonder, if faced with the same prognosis as my mom, how would I react? Would I laugh? Cry? Would I be scared? Angry? Would I have regrets?

I know one thing is for sure. I want to die with grace. And I want my mom to die with grace. What does that mean? What does it look like to "die with grace?" It means composure. It means joy. Transparency. It means dependance on God, and faith, and confidence, and courage. It means being a testimony of Christ, even in the face of the unknown (experientially speaking). It means being selfless and bold. It means clinging to Christ in a way that's unimaginable, and being joyful in it! It means feeling lonely at times, but believing with a heart confidence that God is consistent in His character and His word, and that He will deal with me personally only in ways that are consistent with His good character.

I'm praying, and hope you'll join me in praying that my mom will die with grace and not only my mom, but that all of us--you, me--that we will all be cultivating the character now that is necessary when the time comes for us to die with grace too.

Be Faithful Unto Death

I told my best friend today, "I feel like I've been banged, and battered, and hammered every which way lately, but hopefully I will come out a more shining and beautiful reflection of Christ." And that is truly my prayer.

"Your life is short--and our duties are many. Yet your assistance great--and your reward sure. Therefore, faint not--hold on and hold up, in ways of holiness, and heaven shall make amends for all! 'Be faithful until death--and I will give you the crown of life!'"
-Revelation 2:10

Wisdom from a Modern-Day Grace Gem

"It is your hand that has afflicted us for your glory. To teach us and those around us that you are God, and worthy of worship and praise. Don't let us waste this cancer. Help me to have the mind of Christ. Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross . Help me to have joy in my suffering, joy in my humiliation. Please give me joy in weakness and in shame."
-Andrew Mark

"It's okay to have anxieties and cares, but we need to continually cast them on Jesus. Trying not to have anxiety or cares isn't godly. Having those anxieties and then casting them upon Jesus is godly. That's what the Bible calls me to do."
-Bob (Grace Mark's Brother)

Who Is This Christ?

Oh, how the Lord knows just what we need, and what I needed was a weekend in Frazier Park focusing on the person and character of Christ. My Bible study spent a couple of hours writing down characteristics of Christ (with Scripture references) and when we reached #104, we decided it was time for bed, but surely we could have kept going for an infinite amount of time and still not have exhausted the majesty of Christ. When I sat back and looked at the poster-sized stick-it notes on the wall with those 104 truths about Christ this was my response:

This list is really just the beginning. We can't even start to scratch the surface of all that God is, and in specific CHRIST, not even mentioning the Father and the Holy Spirit. What an overwhelming and humbling exercise. It really helps to put things in perspective. When I'm tempted to think about my trials or the circumstances in my life that I want to change, I simply glance at this list and I'm in awe of all that my Savior is and it makes me cry out, "who am I that You should know my name?" Are my petty problems too big for this great God? Do I feel alone? How can I when I have a Great High Priest who sympathizes with my weakness and who knows precisely what I'm going through. I'm thankful for Christ, that He died for me. This God, this Christ, that is so powerful, I can't fully comprehend--He died for me. And he lives in me right now. He is the provider and source of the power I need to live for Him each day. He purchased me on Calvary and then He drew me to the cross through His irresistible grace. He took my place, atoned for my sins. And now, seated at God's right hand, He acts as my mediator, and He intercedes for me when I pray. And he's preparing a place for me where I will be eternally in His presence, reigning as a coheir with Him! What wondrous love is this? What can I do to repay Him? Nothing. I can't. But I will offer up my life as a living sacrifice, and as an act of reasonable service to Him. He is my life, my all in all, and Colossians 2:10 says He completes me. How foolish of me to crave any other thing, or to desire any other when He ALONE can fill my cup to overflowing and satisfy my soul!

Don't Judge a Sem Student By His Tie

Yesterday I received an email from a friend. The email was a message about modesty. It highlighted the fact that God looks at the heart and man looks at the outward appearance--a good and sobering reminder. Then I received an email that I get daily called Grace Gems--little bits of wisdom from puritan writers, etc. The topic? God looks at the heart, man looks at the outside. Wow, what reinforcement of what I had just read. But I'm not done! I went to high school staff meeting last night where Austin Ducan proceeded to challenge the staff. Do not get caught up in outward works because God sees the heart, and we only see the outside.

Austin related a story that I'll share because it encouraged me greatly. In one of his seminary classes, a student stood up for his turn to preach. Now this particular student was not polished to say the least. His notes were crumbly, his glasses and tie crooked, his shirt unironed and untucked. Austin was expecting a good nap. But what happened next shocked Austin and the rest of the class. This seminary student proceeded to give the most riveting sermon those men had ever heard!

Why do we fall into this trap so easily? Why do we judge people by what we see on the outside? Don't get me wrong, I know our outward actions are a great indication of the state of our heart and we can't forget that. But Lord help me if I neglect those who don't don't mesh with my personality, or who don't have polished social skills, or if I discount a sem student because of his crooked tie.

I Spoke With Spurgeon Today and This is What He Had to Say:

"Now the cruel hand of death comes among my friends and family, and leaves me like a sparrow on the house-top alone, or mourning in the wilderness--but then not one of all the numerous inhabitants shall so much as say, "I am sick," because they are an assembly of sinless ones.

Now I am crawling along the road of life in company with fellow-worms, who dwell in cottages of clay, and are crushed before the moth--but then, dignified with His divine likeness, I shall dwell with the Ancient of days, and enjoy the dearest and most intimate communion with Jehovah and the Lamb forever!"

Something I Read Sent Sparks Flying

My friend asked me how I was doing and my honest answer was, "I'm a little discouraged." Then I read this:

"'The heart is active, not passive,' That changes everything. I was accustomed to thinking of discouragement as something that happens to a person. But on closer examination of discouragement in my existential experience, I have been taken aback by how volitional or "active" it is. To go around saying, 'I am discouraged,' as if it's a saddle someone strapped to your back while you kicked and screamed against it, is akin to Aaron's version of how he made the golden calf: 'So they gave me [the gold], and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf' (Exodus 32:24). Um, no.

I have noticed that I actually choose discouragement. Sounds nuts, but a quiet little heart transaction takes place to some point (typically, in my case very early in the game) in which I say to myself, 'I don't want to fight this thing. I'm going to just give in to it.'"

Well, I want to fight. And I won't give in to it. I am choosing not to be discouraged. God's Word holds so much encouragement--really. Lately, each time I read, the Lord speaks directly to my situation and to my heart and I'm so uplifted. And the wonderful friends the Lord has given me are a constant source of joy and grace in my life. How can I possibly be discouraged?

Why should I feel discouraged,

why should the shadows come,

Why should my heart be lonely,

and long for heav’n and home,

When Jesus is my portion?

My constant Friend is He:

His eye is on the sparrow,

and I know He watches me.

On My Way

I made it to Connecticut. But not without another funny plane story. As I was sitting waiting to board, I was entertained by a large group of gals. From what I could gather, they were some sort of sports team, maybe basketball. When one of the ladies walked by me, I finally got up the nerve and asked, "are you some sort of sports team?" She looked at me and very sweetly answered, "yes, we are the Chicago Sky the WNBA team." Was I embarrassed, yes. But it was fun to sit on the plane with the entire women's team!

Today was a great day. My mom, dad, and I got to Skype with my sister and Caleb and we got to see baby Nicholas, the little child they are hoping to adopt. He is so precious. My sister said he never cries! He is so cute--he's always smiling. I had a good time catching up with my mom and helping her do things she has difficulty doing. I cooked homemade facaccia bread pizza. Today was already a precious time and I'm looking forward to the rest of my week here.

Please pray for my dad. I know he is working so hard and taking such good care of my mom. I'm glad to be here to help ease the load a little. But I know he could use the prayers. He is an amazing man, but he does get tired! Pray the Lord will sustain Him and that his love for my mom will only grow.

Don't Waste Her Cancer

A few years ago, John Piper was diagnosed with cancer and he wrote an article called, "Don't Waste Your Cancer." That's the inspiration for the title of this particular blog entry.

Recently my mom's cancer has become active, and not just active but aggressive--it has metastasized to her liver. Most doctors will not even treat cancer that has spread through the liver, they will simply tell their patient to go home, get things in order, and prepare to die. My mom's doctor told her she has 7-9 months to do just that. Not news that anyone wants to get--not me, or my dad, or my sister, and certainly not my mom.

Many of you have been praying for my mom for years now as she has battled several rounds of cancer. God has been faithful, and no matter what happens to my mom this time, God will remain faithful. God's Word has been my strength and comfort at this time. Each time I open it, a treasure of encouragement and hope cheers me. I am finding sweet fellowship and communion with my Savior at this time and although it is hard, the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life, God is providing grace sufficient at exactly the time I need it.

I am determined not to waste my mom's cancer. I want to shine Christ and to be a reflection of Him through this and I pray the same for my mom. I pray that she will be a beacon of light to any unsaved around her and that she will remain faithful, trusting, and joyful until the day she sees her Savior--whenever that may be.

Update:
We are looking for an aggressive doctor who will be willing to try to treat my mom. We are ready for whatever the Lord has, but still don't think we need to just give up. My mom is a fighter. She is the strongest woman I know. Lately she been in excruciating pain because the bone in her hip is deteriorating. She hasn't been able to walk for the last few days. Please pray we will find a solution for this besides just giving her addictive painkillers.

Spurgeon Reads My Mind

From, Morning and Evening
INTO YOUR HAND I COMMIT MY SPIRIT; YOU HAVE REDEEMED ME, O LORD, FAITHFUL GOD.
-Psalm 31:5

Though Thou slay me I will trust,
Praise Thou even from the dust,
Prove, and tell it as I prove,
Thine unutterable love.
Thou may chasten and correct,
But Thou never can neglect;
Since the ransom price is paid,
On Thy love my hope is stayed.

Everybody Want to Go to Heaven But Nobody Want to Go Now

Last night on my drive home I was listening to the radio (yes, country again) and a new song has the lyrics, "everybody want to go to heaven but nobody want to go now." Now, I'm not one to get my theology from country music, but there is something very profound in that statement. And there's truth in it.

As believers we talk about how wonderful heaven will be, and how we can't wait to get there. But nobody wants to go there NOW! We hold on to earth so tightly--even the good things--friends, family, work and we don't want to give it up. There is so much we want to do before we "go." We talk about heaven, and we're afraid of death! But death is the vessel the Lord has chosen as the catapult into the heaven we so long for.

I'm starting to see death as a beautiful thing, not as the scary and unknown. Dear beloved brethren, may we all long for heaven and long for it NOW!

A Date With Dad

My dad came along to my friend's wedding in Sacramento. He didn't come for the entire time, but I had him all to myself for 2 days, so I got to spend a little time with him. My dad is a wonderful man and I love him very much. I've always known he is great, but my high opinion of him has only increased over the past several years as time passes and I've gotten to know him deeper. I appreciate him, respect him, and cherish him.

Here are 10 things I love about my papa:

1. He is a VERY hard worker.

2. He loves his wife, my mom, :) sacrificially.

3. He is always smiling, and has one of the best smiles ever!

4. He deals with trials like a saint. Nothing seems to shake him.

5. He listens faithfully to talk radio.

6. He is humble.

7. He lets me control the T.V. clicker, well, most of the time.

8. He is gentle.

9. No matter where he goes, everyone just LOVES my dad.

10. He always answers his phone, "pops, here," when I call.

Get Away

Do you ever feel like you have to just get away? That's kind of how I feel right now. And funny thing, I am "getting away" this weekend. My friend Donnette is getting married on Friday (8/8/08). I've known her since preschool and we did gymnastics together for a while too. While we haven't stayed in touch as much as I would have liked, Donnette has always been a special person in my life. I'm excited to see her (it's been years). And I'll be flying to Sacramento for the wedding.

It's funny, before I left for Israel I was thinking about her and trying to figure out how to get in touch with her again. And when I got home, I had a letter from Donnette asking me to be part of her wedding! Talk about God's providence. As far as I know, Donnette is not a believer and so I'm praying this weekend will give me the chance to have gospel-paving conversations, and even if I'm not able to directly share the gospel at this point, I pray that my being part of this special time will open the way for future conversations and opportunities. Please pray for me if you think of it. I'll post pictures when I get back for sure!

Curve Ball

I've seen close friends and even family endure some major trials. And I thank the Lord for each one as it draws us to Him in dependence. It's easy to look back on trials, see how God worked, and then learn to give thanks. But I don't want to be thankful after the fact, I want to rejoice in the midst of whatever the Lord brings my way.

I'm scared. In the last couple of weeks, the cancer in my mom's back has done damage to her nerve and she is in a lot of pain. She's doing acupuncture, which has helped, but I still worry about her health, and wonder how much longer I will have with her. Often, I can't understand why God chooses to work the way He does and I want to ask, WHY? But then, praise God, my mind takes over and the truth of what I know comes flooding in. The question is not why. When Job was in the midst of his trials, God never told him why. God simply reminded Job of his place in comparison to God by recalling God's wondrous character and power to create and sustain. And Job fell on his face and cried out for mercy.

I won't ask why. Instead, I will choose to bless His name for His holy, gracious, kind, loving, merciful, wise character. And I will trust that infinite wisdom in my life and in my family, and in the lives of my friends.

Job 38:1
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said, 'who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Now gird up your loins like a man, and I will ask you, and you instruct Me! Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding, who set its measurements? Since you know. Or who stretched the line on it? On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid it's cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? Or who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; when I made a cloud its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and I placed boundaries on it and set a bolt and doors, and I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; and here shall your proud waves stop'?

(It goes on...you should read the rest, it's so encouraging.)

Something in the Water

Many of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances are expecting! And I am overwhelmed to watch God at work in each specific instance.

One friend and past co-worker, Stephanie Wahler Sanderson, had her baby girl Suzie, about 2 months early. Bleeding in Suzie's brain has caused some possible damage and Suzie is currently in the hospital with both Steph (mom) and Kyle (dad) by her side. I am praying fervently for all three of them.

My dear friend and coworker, Lola, has had a difficult pregnancy and was put on bed rest early on. Lola is due in late August, but it appears little Emma is eager to meet the world and will most likely arrive before her due date.

Another close friend and coworker, Chela, also recently found out that she is expecting. Her due date is March 18, 2009. I can't wait to find out whether she is having a girl or boy! It's been fun to see her each day at work praising God through the fun side-effects of being pregnant.

The list could go on. There are several more expecting couples with their own unique stories. But the point is, through it all, the easy, fun and exciting times and through the difficult, scary, and nightmarish times, my friends have all shown a deep faith in their Savior, Jesus Christ, and a rich understanding of the doctrine of God's sovereignty. I am so thankful for each one of them and rejoice and mourn with them as is fitting. I am learning the deep comfort that comes from understanding God's sovereignty in my own life and I rest my future and that of my friends and their little ones in the hands of my good and gracious God.

God's Message to Me Today

The Full Ocean of Never-Failing Delight and Satisfaction
John Fawcett, "Christ Precious"

"Yes, He is very precious to you who believe!" 1 Peter 2:7

"O blessed Jesus, Your love is wonderful! It is the admiration, joy and song of glorified saints. The experimental sense of Your love on earth--sweetens the bitterness of life, and disarms death of all its terrors! It was love which moved You to bow the heavens, to come down and sojourn on earth, to humble Yourself, to take on you the form of a servant, and become obedient onto death, even the death of the cross! You pitied me in my lost estate. You sought and found me--when I sought You not. You spoke peace to me in the day of my distress, when the clouds of guilt and darkness hung heavy on my soul--and I was brought to the borders of despair. You have--borne with all my weakness, corrected my mistakes, restored me from my wanderings, and healed my backslidings. May Your loving-kindness be ever before my eyes--to induce me to walk in your truth. May Your love be the daily theme of my meditations, and the constant joy of my heart! When I am favored with the light of Your countenance, and the comfortable sense of Your love--my soul is filled and satisfied. All the glittering glories of this world, are then darkened, and turned into deformity! They are but broken cisterns--but you are the fountain of living waters! The streams of creature enjoyments, are shallow and deceitful as a brook--but You are the full ocean of never-failing delight and satisfaction! To Your love I must ascribe my whole salvation; and through all the ages of a blissful eternity--I shall proclaim the wonders of redeeming love, and tell to listening angels what Your love has done for my soul. Unto You who loved us, and washed us from our sins in Your own blood, and made us kings and priests to God--to You be glory and dominion forever and ever! Amen."

Encouragement When I Need It Most

Valley of Vision
-A Puritan Prayer
Choices
“Thou hast done for me all things well, hast remembered, distinguished, indulged me. All my desires have not been gratified, but Thy love denied them to me when fulfillment of my wishes would have proved my ruin or injury. My trials have been fewer than my sins, and when I have kissed the rod, it has fallen from Thy hands. Thou hast often wiped away my tears, restored peace to my mourning heart, chastened me for my profit. All Thy work for me is perfect, and I praise Thee.”

Israel, Rapid-Fire Recap

WORK

The Missionary Conference went extremely well. I worked with 2 other teammates in the 3 to 5-year-old class. We each taught 2 lessons. I taught about Jesus calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee and I did my best to explain the difference between true repentance and Judas sorrow as we studied the story of Peter denying Christ.

As you can imagine, 8-hour days can be hard for the little ones. But they did extremely well. We went swimming and to the park, played with toys, had singing time, reading time, snack time, teaching time, craft time, and video time.
My personal favorite part of the day was nap time J. Some of the fun crafts were boats, finger puppets, bookmarks, thumbprint animals, and an “I Love Israel” banner with their little handprints on it!

I got to know a couple of our dear missionaries a little better, which was a blessing. And it was an encouragement to hear parents say their kids were talking about what they learned during lesson time!

PLAY

When the conference was over, most of the team stayed for a 2-day, rapid-fire tour of Jerusalem and the surrounding area. It was an amazing adventure. We saw the Mt. of Olives, the Garden of Gethsemane, the Jerusalem replica, the Western Wall, the Rock of the Dome, the Holocaust Museum, Hezekiah’s Tunnel, the Pool of Siloam, The Spring of En Gedi, Qumran, Masada, the Dead Sea and I’m sure I’m forgetting more.

WHAT I'LL TAKE AWAY
The biggest lesson I learned was how REAL our God is. Seeing the land of Israel is like having a firsthand encounter with our Lord’s humility and His faithfulness. Only God would chose such a place as the center of His earthly ministry. Only God would chose such a humble people as His chosen nation. Only God! No human could conjure it up and no man would dream it. I stand in awe of our great God!

Home Sweet Home

I'm home! Sorry I wasn't able to update more. Thank you all of those who prayed for me and kept up with my blog! I got really sick and my last couple of days in Israel were difficult, but still great. I was still able to hang in there. But the last night I got a bad headache, so bad I got dizzy and fell down when I tried to get up and I was having delusions while I was sleeping. I also got a really bad bloody nose. I also threw-up on the plane. Ha! Ha! Sorry for all the terrible details. Anyways...God is so good and I am so glad to be home. I will make a long post with pictures and fill you all in on my trip. I wish everyone could have been there with me...it is such a dramatic experience. Our God is is an awesome God...King of Kings and Lord of Lords! I'd love to write more...but I'm getting dizzy, sitting here, so I should go lay down. Love to you all.

Another Update

I've been a lot of things this week.

I've been a teacher, a pillow, snack lady, cookie lady, a horsey, a piggy-back ride giver, a "nurse," a discipliner, a line-keeper, a singing leader, a bathroom moniter, a nose wiper, a tushy wiper, a block and plato player, a 2 minute showerer, a roommate, a teammate, a tourist, a gaurder of stuff, a water giver, a baby-sitter, a friend, a listener, I've been HOT, happy, sad, busy, tired, exhausted, excited, peppy, everything you can possibly imagine.

Israel is great. The missionaries and their kids are doing extremely well. And I am blesssed to be here. I wish I could explain everything that I've experienced in these few short days, but I can't wait to catch up with you and all and show you pictures and explain everything to you when I get home. That's about all I can write for now...it's after midnight and I need to get to bed! Hope this is coherent.

Much love.

Made It and Made the News

Hey everyone. It's a blessing to be able to make this post and let you all know what's been happening the past fews day. I am here in Israel. We made it! But we've had a few adventures along the way. Before even leaving LAX we had a man removed from our flight. He had cursed out another passenger so they asked him to leave the plane. When he refused, they had security come and remove him and his wife--when the security gaurd touched his wife, the man started screaming and jumping at the officer. It was quite an ordeal. It even made the 6 o clock news. Other than that the trip was uneventful, we even got all our luggage and got to see the orthodox people saying their prayers--a very cultural experience.

Yesterday we finished out set up and greeted missionaries and even got to hear Isreali music (and dancing). We had a blast. It is a blessing to be here and to see all the missionaries. We are thankful for the rest we had yesterday and today because the craziness will start tomorrow with the kids. So please pray.

I wish I could say more, there is so much to describe and to say, but time will not allow. God is good and I can't wait to tell you all I am already learning.

Sabot Shalom!

Israel, here I come! Please pray.

Palm Springs and Israel :)

I can't believe the time has come. It seemed so far away, and now it's here! Two years ago when I heard the next missionary conference was set to be in Israel, I only dreamed of the chance to go. It feels like it's been two months, but now two years later, here I am just days from my departure. With so much happening and so much to be done before I leave, I didn't think the day would come. I leave on Wednesday, June 18. My sister and her husband Caleb leave for Uganda just one week after me! It's almost unreal.

Please pray for me, the next few days will be very busy. Tomorrow I will take a group of graduating high school girls to Palm Springs for the weekend as as part of the Resolved Conference. Then I will work on Monday and Tuesday of next week and fight airport traffic on Wednesday morning--final destination--Tel Aviv!

I praise God for this chance to go to Israel. I am so privileged, humbled, and honored to be part of this team that will do our best to serve our missionaries who are all over the globe.

I know this weekend at Resolved is going to be refreshing, encouraging, challenging, and help to set my heart and mind right even before I leave for my STM trip. I can't wait to give you all a full report when I get back of how God worked over there and also what he did in my life over the few weeks I'm away.

I will try to be on email periodically, so feel free to contact me, I'd love to hear from you.

A Cure For Discouragement

This is such a common song, but I've never before looked at the words in this way. And when I did, it was a great encouragement to my weary soul!

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Top 5

I have to do this because a bunch of my friends did. :)

5 Things I can't Live Without Under $5
1. Lip gloss
2. Trader Joe's bbq chicken pizza
3. Q-tips
4. Dental floss
5. Lotion

5 Favorite Movies
1. Princess Bride
2. Goonies
3. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
4. Clue
5. Summer Magic

5 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over Again
1. Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
2. Before the Throne of God Above
3. Valley of Vision
4. Our Song
5. My Girl

5 People Who Have Influenced Me in a Positive Way
1. Alair (my sister)
2. Kim Maxwell (my discipler in jr. high)
3. Ryan Glenn (my former gymnastics coach)
4. Rick Holland (my former pastor)
5. Sandi Luciano (my best friend)

5 Items in My Purse at All Times
1. Wallet
2. Keys
3. Mini Bible
4. Sunglasses
5. Mini day planner

5 Events That Have Changed My Life Forever
1. My salvation
2. My mom's cancer
3. Quitting gymnastics
4. Spending 6 months in London
5. Missions trips
6. First relationship
7. Highschool staff
8. Sister's marriage
*Sorry I had to do more than 5 :)

Ursa Major

This past weekend I was in Big Bear with my Bible study, Compelled. Our speaker was Jack Hughes, and he preached on Christian liberties. I was so encouraged by spending time with some dear friends and fellow believers. And my walk was challenged as I remembered that everything I do needs to fall under the umbrella of putting others before myself. Even the way I use my liberties must be done through the eyes of loving and preferring other people with the gospel as my goal--the gospel to save those who don't know Jesus Christ, and to help those who do to excel still more! I was also reminded that I must know why I have the convictions I have, not simply because my church or my family did things a certain way, but because I have studied God's Word and developed convictions out of the desire to be obedient to Scripture. What a blessed time!

Tears of Joy and Tears of Sadness

I just read the blog of Emily Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter). A close-up picture of her with a pretend shocked look on her face hinted at her excitement. And the story she shared below confirmed the news. She got engaged only a few days earlier. Then I heard the news that the five-year-old adopted Chapman daughter, Maria, was killed when her brother Will did not see her, and hit her while he was backing out of the driveway in an SUV.

And I thought to myself, life is like that. It has ups and downs and sometimes both at the same time. But one thing that does not change is the person of Jesus Christ who has sovereign power over all of those ups and downs. He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Brokenness

Hebrews 7:24
“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”
It’s humbling to see what a wretched sinner I am. Pride, self-sufficiency, and lack of trust, are but a few of my gross deficiencies. What a repulsive, dark, and festering place are the recesses of my heart. I could easily wallow in the abomination of my flesh and become a helpless, useless, mess.

Hebrews 7:25
“I thank God––through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
But praise God, He has enabled me to experience glimpses of victory over the flesh here on earth and eventually perfect freedom from sin in the life to come. He has forgiven me and washed me––though my sins are like scarlet, He has made me white as snow. Jesus, thank you!

A Funny Childhood Memory (Inspired by Jen's Funny Childhood Memory)

I was about 6 years old. My dad had just spanked me (which I am sure I very much deserved). I walked into the room and up to my father. I pulled down my pants and pointed to a red mark (the remains of the spanking). And I said to him, "look what you did! I hope you're happy!"

I think I deserved another spanking.

Alone

We were not created to be alone. In fact, when the Lord saw Adam functioning alone, he said, "it is NOT GOOD." That was the only time in creation the Lord ever declared something NOT GOOD. But then when God gave Adam a helper suitable for him, He said, "it is VERY GOOD!"

I've heard that truth many times before and thought, "well okay, that's nice." But lately I've been so encouraged and so thankful for the body of Christ and how it functions because we are not created to walk through the trials of this life alone. We are to come alongside one another, comfort one another, mourn and rejoice with one another, and pray for one another.

So many requests have been sent my way lately:

-friends who recently had a miscarriage and lost their baby.

-a friend who recently lost her grandma to sickness, then lost her aunt to an "accidental" fire, and then found out the fire wasn't an accident. It was set by her uncle who is now in jail.

-a lady who recently nearly died in childbirth and is caring for a very sick baby. She fell off a horse and is now in a coma.

-a couple who almost lost their baby. Their baby stopped breathing, and the dad was able to resuscitate her, but she is currently in NICU for tests to find out what is wrong.

-a husband and wife who must decide if the husband should have surgery on his throat with the possibility of surviving cancer. The surgery would mean he could never eat or talk again, he would breathe from a whole in his neck. But the surgery will not guarantee anything.

Makes my "problems" seem very small. I am increasingly and abundantly thankful for dear friends in Christ who love me and serve me and help me know that I am not alone. Whether that means a phone call, a long walk, a late-night talk, whatever it is, I praise God for the dear friends He's put in my life!

Fair

Things in life happen that are just unfair. Either, I've been, hurt, misunderstood, misinterpreted, mistaken, mistreated, the list goes on and on. But the lesson I am learning becomes more and more clear--Christ is all I need. My sufficiency is in Him alone. Only He can satisfy. The concepts and principles are not new to me, but I am experiencing them in a way that is more real to me than ever before. I am so dependant on Him for all things. So instead of fighting against the trials the Lord places in my life, I resolve with all my might, to embrace and enjoy them like a precious gift from a loving Father.

There's this great song from Sovereign Grace Ministries that I've been listening to, and it says this:

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

How I Feel Today

"I was getting coffee last week, and I heard a little girl ask her mom if she could get a 'decapitated cup 'o chino.'"

- My friend J.M.

On Relationships

Lady Astor: "Winston, If I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee."

Sir Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Hope

J.C. Philpot once said, "it is good and gracious for God to disappoint our plans." It doesn't feel that way when our hopes are disappointed our are expectations are crushed. But I know this wise, godly, man was right. And I have to remind myself each day that God's plan is better than my own.

Info

Services for Jeanne Clutterham:

Saturday, March 29, 2008
11 am
Grace Community Church
13248 Roscoe Blvd., Sun Valley, California 91352

Like a Wave

A Noble Saint is in Heaven

Dear Friends,

With profoundly mixed emotions, I'm writing to tell you that our beloved sister in Christ, Jeanne Clutterham, is now in heaven. With her family at her bedside, the Lord took Jeanne peacefully at around 4:30 this afternoon.

God graced our lives deeply with Jeanne's love, joy, faithfulness, and courage throughout her noble fight with cancer. The hope of heaven is sweeter today than it was yesterday knowing that Jeanne is in the presence of Christ; our earthly lives will feel the loss until we ourselves are in heaven. We thank God for Jeanne's life and that He has now fulfilled His purposes for her which He prepared before the foundation of the world.

The family is working on arrangements for a memorial service, and we'll be sure to pass those details along to you as soon as we receive them. For now, please pray for Jeanne's equally noble husband, Bill, who stood beside her with such remarkable tenderness and compassion through the years. Also, remember Jeanne's children, Sarah, Rebekah, Joshua, and Matthew, and her dear parents, Bob and Jane Rankin. Their loss is very real and will be felt deeply.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints" (Psalm 116:15).

Love in Christ,

Don Green

Rejoicing With Affectionate Memories

I am joyfully celebrating the homegoing of my friend Greg Dominguez. Greg was an example to me in several areas--his humble service, his disciplined study of the Word, and his passion for prayer. After a long and difficult battle with brain cancer, Greg’s faith was turned to sight and his hope of glory made a reality on Friday March 14, 2008.

The Human Body is Amazing

I'm flabbergasted at how the Lord has created the human body with the capability of doing some amazing things. I watched a T.V. show on the Discovery Channel about the body's ability to survive in extreme situations and I stood in awe at God's creative power. Not just His creative power, but the artistic, masterful, detailed, and complex care with which He crafted the human body.

Check out this website to see what amazed me:
http://www.discoverychannel.co.uk/humanbody/_home/index.shtml

Chortle, Shepherds', and other Miscellaneous Thoughts

Chortle:
My feelings today can be summed up in a line from Lewis Carrol's famous poem, The Jabberwocky:
"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy."

Shepherds':
Today at work the building is bustling with activity because it is the week of our annual Shepherds' Conference at church. The reason we are busy here is because people are curious about John's ministry and want to see the Grace to You building for themselves. It's fun to have lots of people poking their heads in and out of my office and to see the smiling faces of people eager and happy to be here. I really do praise the Lord that I am at a church that is equipped, gifted, and blessed enough to train up men and to encourage weary pastors that need support, motivation, and a recharge (even if it is just for 5 days) .

Misc:
I'm depressed that I was in Boston on super Tuesday for my aunt's funeral and was not able to vote in the primaries. :(

I Cry Out!

I recently found out that my friend's mother passed away unexpectedly. And this is all I can say:

There are so many things I don't understand. But I'm slowly realizing that's okay. It's precisely my inability to understand that drives me to my Savior, that forces me to trust in Him and Him alone. My good intentions mean nothing. My ability to help means nothing. God will do whatever with whomever he chooses and I can't question His infinite wisdom. Even beyond that, God loves me and His care is so tender for me. He is not an unfeeling dictator, and every painful circumstance I face or witness is a loving nudge from Him to make me more like Christ. I throw my hands up and cry out, "God, I don't understand!" But I trust. I trust your wisdom, your promises, and your goodness. I will stand strong with my eyes firmly fixed on Him. I will press on.

Truths That Have Become Very Real to Me in the Past Week

- God controls every detail of my life.
(Proverbs 16:9)

- The Holy Spirit is the great comforter.
(John 14:27)

- I need not explain myself. I should be quiet as Christ was before His persecutors.
(Isaiah 53:7)

- Mary did not justify herself. She waited on God and she pondered things in her heart. I should do the same.
(Luke 2:19)

- Submission is not easy.
(1 Peter 2:13-15)

- I can't please everyone and shouldn't even try. I need only concern myself with pleasing God.
(Matthew 10:28)

- God is my sufficiency.
(Psalm 73:26)

- God's forgiveness is lavish.
(Micah 7:18-19)

- Truly trusting God is the key to everything.
(Proverbs 3:5)

- Always think the best about people in every circumstance.
(1 Corinthians 13:7)

I'm Learning...

I've learned so much about myself in the past couple of days, it's overwhelming! God is so good to grow us and stretch us even when it is extremely painful at times.

“Unlike the people-pleaser, who worries himself sick when he senses that he may have displeased someone by his words (or actions), the person who pleases God knows how to dismiss such anxiety with the assurance that he has, in fact said (or done) that which pleases God. Now it’s not that the God-pleaser never wonders whether he could have said things better, or that he never ponders a more biblical course of action than the one he took, or that he doesn’t listen to valid criticism and ask for forgiveness when he knows that he has sinned in the process of trying to please God, but if he knows that he hasn’t sinned, he does not worry or fret about the consequences of his actions. He trust God to use what he has said or done for His glory, and he knows that God is causing all things to work together for his own good.”
-Lou Priolo
Pleasing People

Update

Hey friends! Thank you for all of you that have been praying for me and my family. As you know from my last post, my aunt has been very sick with cancer and was getting worse very quickly. Many of you have been praying for her. Well, yesterday evening my aunt went to be with the Lord. I thank God that she had a saving relationship with Jesus Christ and is with her Savior in heaven.

I will be going to the funeral which is in Massachusetts. I will fly out on Sunday morning and come home on Wednesday. Please continue praying for my cousins Liz and Justin and my uncle Paul who does not know the Lord. Pray for my uncle's salvation and also that I would be a help and comfort to my cousins and the rest of the family while I am there.

God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. I praise God that through this trial His name is being glorified and I trust He is accomplishing His perfect will in my life and in the lives of my family members.