My Gift for Spelling Reverie

A Writer's Reveire

There is much I do not know
Much about, so
The axiom, write what you know,
Leaves me with a small scope;
As I cannot go wide,
I shall try to go deep,
And high, to the earth I can excavate,
The heavens writely rate,
Until words empty pen
And I have reason to write again.

-Elizabeth Knussman

*This poem was given to me by an encouraging friend at work today!

Refreshed

2 Corinthians 4:8
"We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed... For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Do I believe this? Do I trust God's Word as true and infallible? Do I believe it with a heart confidence that will lay down my life on the stakes that it is true? Yes! My heart shouts a resounding, yes! Then I must bear up under trials in victory and not merely hang on by a thread. The Holy Spirit within me is infinately powerful--in Him I can do all things. He sets and fixes my mind on the truth. God's glory is my ultimate goal, before my comfort, before my happiness. If suffering will in some way bring God glory and cause me (and others) to come before our King with thanksgiving, then so be it. If suffering will produce in me eternal riches that far outweigh any blessings afforded on this earth, then so be it! If trials will renew my spirit, despite what they do to me physically or emotionally, then so be it. And may the Lord grant me mercy to endure and a renewed mind to think biblically in the midst of it all.

How To Die With Grace

I can't imagine what it's like to know you have a limited amount of time before you die. In some ways, I'd almost rather not know. But I also thinks it's a great blessing to be able to prepare, plan, say good bye, and get your heart and mind ready to meet your Savior.

I often wonder, if faced with the same prognosis as my mom, how would I react? Would I laugh? Cry? Would I be scared? Angry? Would I have regrets?

I know one thing is for sure. I want to die with grace. And I want my mom to die with grace. What does that mean? What does it look like to "die with grace?" It means composure. It means joy. Transparency. It means dependance on God, and faith, and confidence, and courage. It means being a testimony of Christ, even in the face of the unknown (experientially speaking). It means being selfless and bold. It means clinging to Christ in a way that's unimaginable, and being joyful in it! It means feeling lonely at times, but believing with a heart confidence that God is consistent in His character and His word, and that He will deal with me personally only in ways that are consistent with His good character.

I'm praying, and hope you'll join me in praying that my mom will die with grace and not only my mom, but that all of us--you, me--that we will all be cultivating the character now that is necessary when the time comes for us to die with grace too.

Be Faithful Unto Death

I told my best friend today, "I feel like I've been banged, and battered, and hammered every which way lately, but hopefully I will come out a more shining and beautiful reflection of Christ." And that is truly my prayer.

"Your life is short--and our duties are many. Yet your assistance great--and your reward sure. Therefore, faint not--hold on and hold up, in ways of holiness, and heaven shall make amends for all! 'Be faithful until death--and I will give you the crown of life!'"
-Revelation 2:10

Wisdom from a Modern-Day Grace Gem

"It is your hand that has afflicted us for your glory. To teach us and those around us that you are God, and worthy of worship and praise. Don't let us waste this cancer. Help me to have the mind of Christ. Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross . Help me to have joy in my suffering, joy in my humiliation. Please give me joy in weakness and in shame."
-Andrew Mark

"It's okay to have anxieties and cares, but we need to continually cast them on Jesus. Trying not to have anxiety or cares isn't godly. Having those anxieties and then casting them upon Jesus is godly. That's what the Bible calls me to do."
-Bob (Grace Mark's Brother)

Who Is This Christ?

Oh, how the Lord knows just what we need, and what I needed was a weekend in Frazier Park focusing on the person and character of Christ. My Bible study spent a couple of hours writing down characteristics of Christ (with Scripture references) and when we reached #104, we decided it was time for bed, but surely we could have kept going for an infinite amount of time and still not have exhausted the majesty of Christ. When I sat back and looked at the poster-sized stick-it notes on the wall with those 104 truths about Christ this was my response:

This list is really just the beginning. We can't even start to scratch the surface of all that God is, and in specific CHRIST, not even mentioning the Father and the Holy Spirit. What an overwhelming and humbling exercise. It really helps to put things in perspective. When I'm tempted to think about my trials or the circumstances in my life that I want to change, I simply glance at this list and I'm in awe of all that my Savior is and it makes me cry out, "who am I that You should know my name?" Are my petty problems too big for this great God? Do I feel alone? How can I when I have a Great High Priest who sympathizes with my weakness and who knows precisely what I'm going through. I'm thankful for Christ, that He died for me. This God, this Christ, that is so powerful, I can't fully comprehend--He died for me. And he lives in me right now. He is the provider and source of the power I need to live for Him each day. He purchased me on Calvary and then He drew me to the cross through His irresistible grace. He took my place, atoned for my sins. And now, seated at God's right hand, He acts as my mediator, and He intercedes for me when I pray. And he's preparing a place for me where I will be eternally in His presence, reigning as a coheir with Him! What wondrous love is this? What can I do to repay Him? Nothing. I can't. But I will offer up my life as a living sacrifice, and as an act of reasonable service to Him. He is my life, my all in all, and Colossians 2:10 says He completes me. How foolish of me to crave any other thing, or to desire any other when He ALONE can fill my cup to overflowing and satisfy my soul!

Don't Judge a Sem Student By His Tie

Yesterday I received an email from a friend. The email was a message about modesty. It highlighted the fact that God looks at the heart and man looks at the outward appearance--a good and sobering reminder. Then I received an email that I get daily called Grace Gems--little bits of wisdom from puritan writers, etc. The topic? God looks at the heart, man looks at the outside. Wow, what reinforcement of what I had just read. But I'm not done! I went to high school staff meeting last night where Austin Ducan proceeded to challenge the staff. Do not get caught up in outward works because God sees the heart, and we only see the outside.

Austin related a story that I'll share because it encouraged me greatly. In one of his seminary classes, a student stood up for his turn to preach. Now this particular student was not polished to say the least. His notes were crumbly, his glasses and tie crooked, his shirt unironed and untucked. Austin was expecting a good nap. But what happened next shocked Austin and the rest of the class. This seminary student proceeded to give the most riveting sermon those men had ever heard!

Why do we fall into this trap so easily? Why do we judge people by what we see on the outside? Don't get me wrong, I know our outward actions are a great indication of the state of our heart and we can't forget that. But Lord help me if I neglect those who don't don't mesh with my personality, or who don't have polished social skills, or if I discount a sem student because of his crooked tie.

I Spoke With Spurgeon Today and This is What He Had to Say:

"Now the cruel hand of death comes among my friends and family, and leaves me like a sparrow on the house-top alone, or mourning in the wilderness--but then not one of all the numerous inhabitants shall so much as say, "I am sick," because they are an assembly of sinless ones.

Now I am crawling along the road of life in company with fellow-worms, who dwell in cottages of clay, and are crushed before the moth--but then, dignified with His divine likeness, I shall dwell with the Ancient of days, and enjoy the dearest and most intimate communion with Jehovah and the Lamb forever!"

Something I Read Sent Sparks Flying

My friend asked me how I was doing and my honest answer was, "I'm a little discouraged." Then I read this:

"'The heart is active, not passive,' That changes everything. I was accustomed to thinking of discouragement as something that happens to a person. But on closer examination of discouragement in my existential experience, I have been taken aback by how volitional or "active" it is. To go around saying, 'I am discouraged,' as if it's a saddle someone strapped to your back while you kicked and screamed against it, is akin to Aaron's version of how he made the golden calf: 'So they gave me [the gold], and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf' (Exodus 32:24). Um, no.

I have noticed that I actually choose discouragement. Sounds nuts, but a quiet little heart transaction takes place to some point (typically, in my case very early in the game) in which I say to myself, 'I don't want to fight this thing. I'm going to just give in to it.'"

Well, I want to fight. And I won't give in to it. I am choosing not to be discouraged. God's Word holds so much encouragement--really. Lately, each time I read, the Lord speaks directly to my situation and to my heart and I'm so uplifted. And the wonderful friends the Lord has given me are a constant source of joy and grace in my life. How can I possibly be discouraged?

Why should I feel discouraged,

why should the shadows come,

Why should my heart be lonely,

and long for heav’n and home,

When Jesus is my portion?

My constant Friend is He:

His eye is on the sparrow,

and I know He watches me.

On My Way

I made it to Connecticut. But not without another funny plane story. As I was sitting waiting to board, I was entertained by a large group of gals. From what I could gather, they were some sort of sports team, maybe basketball. When one of the ladies walked by me, I finally got up the nerve and asked, "are you some sort of sports team?" She looked at me and very sweetly answered, "yes, we are the Chicago Sky the WNBA team." Was I embarrassed, yes. But it was fun to sit on the plane with the entire women's team!

Today was a great day. My mom, dad, and I got to Skype with my sister and Caleb and we got to see baby Nicholas, the little child they are hoping to adopt. He is so precious. My sister said he never cries! He is so cute--he's always smiling. I had a good time catching up with my mom and helping her do things she has difficulty doing. I cooked homemade facaccia bread pizza. Today was already a precious time and I'm looking forward to the rest of my week here.

Please pray for my dad. I know he is working so hard and taking such good care of my mom. I'm glad to be here to help ease the load a little. But I know he could use the prayers. He is an amazing man, but he does get tired! Pray the Lord will sustain Him and that his love for my mom will only grow.

Don't Waste Her Cancer

A few years ago, John Piper was diagnosed with cancer and he wrote an article called, "Don't Waste Your Cancer." That's the inspiration for the title of this particular blog entry.

Recently my mom's cancer has become active, and not just active but aggressive--it has metastasized to her liver. Most doctors will not even treat cancer that has spread through the liver, they will simply tell their patient to go home, get things in order, and prepare to die. My mom's doctor told her she has 7-9 months to do just that. Not news that anyone wants to get--not me, or my dad, or my sister, and certainly not my mom.

Many of you have been praying for my mom for years now as she has battled several rounds of cancer. God has been faithful, and no matter what happens to my mom this time, God will remain faithful. God's Word has been my strength and comfort at this time. Each time I open it, a treasure of encouragement and hope cheers me. I am finding sweet fellowship and communion with my Savior at this time and although it is hard, the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life, God is providing grace sufficient at exactly the time I need it.

I am determined not to waste my mom's cancer. I want to shine Christ and to be a reflection of Him through this and I pray the same for my mom. I pray that she will be a beacon of light to any unsaved around her and that she will remain faithful, trusting, and joyful until the day she sees her Savior--whenever that may be.

Update:
We are looking for an aggressive doctor who will be willing to try to treat my mom. We are ready for whatever the Lord has, but still don't think we need to just give up. My mom is a fighter. She is the strongest woman I know. Lately she been in excruciating pain because the bone in her hip is deteriorating. She hasn't been able to walk for the last few days. Please pray we will find a solution for this besides just giving her addictive painkillers.

Spurgeon Reads My Mind

From, Morning and Evening
INTO YOUR HAND I COMMIT MY SPIRIT; YOU HAVE REDEEMED ME, O LORD, FAITHFUL GOD.
-Psalm 31:5

Though Thou slay me I will trust,
Praise Thou even from the dust,
Prove, and tell it as I prove,
Thine unutterable love.
Thou may chasten and correct,
But Thou never can neglect;
Since the ransom price is paid,
On Thy love my hope is stayed.

Everybody Want to Go to Heaven But Nobody Want to Go Now

Last night on my drive home I was listening to the radio (yes, country again) and a new song has the lyrics, "everybody want to go to heaven but nobody want to go now." Now, I'm not one to get my theology from country music, but there is something very profound in that statement. And there's truth in it.

As believers we talk about how wonderful heaven will be, and how we can't wait to get there. But nobody wants to go there NOW! We hold on to earth so tightly--even the good things--friends, family, work and we don't want to give it up. There is so much we want to do before we "go." We talk about heaven, and we're afraid of death! But death is the vessel the Lord has chosen as the catapult into the heaven we so long for.

I'm starting to see death as a beautiful thing, not as the scary and unknown. Dear beloved brethren, may we all long for heaven and long for it NOW!

A Date With Dad

My dad came along to my friend's wedding in Sacramento. He didn't come for the entire time, but I had him all to myself for 2 days, so I got to spend a little time with him. My dad is a wonderful man and I love him very much. I've always known he is great, but my high opinion of him has only increased over the past several years as time passes and I've gotten to know him deeper. I appreciate him, respect him, and cherish him.

Here are 10 things I love about my papa:

1. He is a VERY hard worker.

2. He loves his wife, my mom, :) sacrificially.

3. He is always smiling, and has one of the best smiles ever!

4. He deals with trials like a saint. Nothing seems to shake him.

5. He listens faithfully to talk radio.

6. He is humble.

7. He lets me control the T.V. clicker, well, most of the time.

8. He is gentle.

9. No matter where he goes, everyone just LOVES my dad.

10. He always answers his phone, "pops, here," when I call.

Get Away

Do you ever feel like you have to just get away? That's kind of how I feel right now. And funny thing, I am "getting away" this weekend. My friend Donnette is getting married on Friday (8/8/08). I've known her since preschool and we did gymnastics together for a while too. While we haven't stayed in touch as much as I would have liked, Donnette has always been a special person in my life. I'm excited to see her (it's been years). And I'll be flying to Sacramento for the wedding.

It's funny, before I left for Israel I was thinking about her and trying to figure out how to get in touch with her again. And when I got home, I had a letter from Donnette asking me to be part of her wedding! Talk about God's providence. As far as I know, Donnette is not a believer and so I'm praying this weekend will give me the chance to have gospel-paving conversations, and even if I'm not able to directly share the gospel at this point, I pray that my being part of this special time will open the way for future conversations and opportunities. Please pray for me if you think of it. I'll post pictures when I get back for sure!

Curve Ball

I've seen close friends and even family endure some major trials. And I thank the Lord for each one as it draws us to Him in dependence. It's easy to look back on trials, see how God worked, and then learn to give thanks. But I don't want to be thankful after the fact, I want to rejoice in the midst of whatever the Lord brings my way.

I'm scared. In the last couple of weeks, the cancer in my mom's back has done damage to her nerve and she is in a lot of pain. She's doing acupuncture, which has helped, but I still worry about her health, and wonder how much longer I will have with her. Often, I can't understand why God chooses to work the way He does and I want to ask, WHY? But then, praise God, my mind takes over and the truth of what I know comes flooding in. The question is not why. When Job was in the midst of his trials, God never told him why. God simply reminded Job of his place in comparison to God by recalling God's wondrous character and power to create and sustain. And Job fell on his face and cried out for mercy.

I won't ask why. Instead, I will choose to bless His name for His holy, gracious, kind, loving, merciful, wise character. And I will trust that infinite wisdom in my life and in my family, and in the lives of my friends.

Job 38:1
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said, 'who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Now gird up your loins like a man, and I will ask you, and you instruct Me! Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding, who set its measurements? Since you know. Or who stretched the line on it? On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid it's cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? Or who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; when I made a cloud its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and I placed boundaries on it and set a bolt and doors, and I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; and here shall your proud waves stop'?

(It goes on...you should read the rest, it's so encouraging.)

Something in the Water

Many of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances are expecting! And I am overwhelmed to watch God at work in each specific instance.

One friend and past co-worker, Stephanie Wahler Sanderson, had her baby girl Suzie, about 2 months early. Bleeding in Suzie's brain has caused some possible damage and Suzie is currently in the hospital with both Steph (mom) and Kyle (dad) by her side. I am praying fervently for all three of them.

My dear friend and coworker, Lola, has had a difficult pregnancy and was put on bed rest early on. Lola is due in late August, but it appears little Emma is eager to meet the world and will most likely arrive before her due date.

Another close friend and coworker, Chela, also recently found out that she is expecting. Her due date is March 18, 2009. I can't wait to find out whether she is having a girl or boy! It's been fun to see her each day at work praising God through the fun side-effects of being pregnant.

The list could go on. There are several more expecting couples with their own unique stories. But the point is, through it all, the easy, fun and exciting times and through the difficult, scary, and nightmarish times, my friends have all shown a deep faith in their Savior, Jesus Christ, and a rich understanding of the doctrine of God's sovereignty. I am so thankful for each one of them and rejoice and mourn with them as is fitting. I am learning the deep comfort that comes from understanding God's sovereignty in my own life and I rest my future and that of my friends and their little ones in the hands of my good and gracious God.

God's Message to Me Today

The Full Ocean of Never-Failing Delight and Satisfaction
John Fawcett, "Christ Precious"

"Yes, He is very precious to you who believe!" 1 Peter 2:7

"O blessed Jesus, Your love is wonderful! It is the admiration, joy and song of glorified saints. The experimental sense of Your love on earth--sweetens the bitterness of life, and disarms death of all its terrors! It was love which moved You to bow the heavens, to come down and sojourn on earth, to humble Yourself, to take on you the form of a servant, and become obedient onto death, even the death of the cross! You pitied me in my lost estate. You sought and found me--when I sought You not. You spoke peace to me in the day of my distress, when the clouds of guilt and darkness hung heavy on my soul--and I was brought to the borders of despair. You have--borne with all my weakness, corrected my mistakes, restored me from my wanderings, and healed my backslidings. May Your loving-kindness be ever before my eyes--to induce me to walk in your truth. May Your love be the daily theme of my meditations, and the constant joy of my heart! When I am favored with the light of Your countenance, and the comfortable sense of Your love--my soul is filled and satisfied. All the glittering glories of this world, are then darkened, and turned into deformity! They are but broken cisterns--but you are the fountain of living waters! The streams of creature enjoyments, are shallow and deceitful as a brook--but You are the full ocean of never-failing delight and satisfaction! To Your love I must ascribe my whole salvation; and through all the ages of a blissful eternity--I shall proclaim the wonders of redeeming love, and tell to listening angels what Your love has done for my soul. Unto You who loved us, and washed us from our sins in Your own blood, and made us kings and priests to God--to You be glory and dominion forever and ever! Amen."

Encouragement When I Need It Most

Valley of Vision
-A Puritan Prayer
Choices
“Thou hast done for me all things well, hast remembered, distinguished, indulged me. All my desires have not been gratified, but Thy love denied them to me when fulfillment of my wishes would have proved my ruin or injury. My trials have been fewer than my sins, and when I have kissed the rod, it has fallen from Thy hands. Thou hast often wiped away my tears, restored peace to my mourning heart, chastened me for my profit. All Thy work for me is perfect, and I praise Thee.”

Israel, Rapid-Fire Recap

WORK

The Missionary Conference went extremely well. I worked with 2 other teammates in the 3 to 5-year-old class. We each taught 2 lessons. I taught about Jesus calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee and I did my best to explain the difference between true repentance and Judas sorrow as we studied the story of Peter denying Christ.

As you can imagine, 8-hour days can be hard for the little ones. But they did extremely well. We went swimming and to the park, played with toys, had singing time, reading time, snack time, teaching time, craft time, and video time.
My personal favorite part of the day was nap time J. Some of the fun crafts were boats, finger puppets, bookmarks, thumbprint animals, and an “I Love Israel” banner with their little handprints on it!

I got to know a couple of our dear missionaries a little better, which was a blessing. And it was an encouragement to hear parents say their kids were talking about what they learned during lesson time!

PLAY

When the conference was over, most of the team stayed for a 2-day, rapid-fire tour of Jerusalem and the surrounding area. It was an amazing adventure. We saw the Mt. of Olives, the Garden of Gethsemane, the Jerusalem replica, the Western Wall, the Rock of the Dome, the Holocaust Museum, Hezekiah’s Tunnel, the Pool of Siloam, The Spring of En Gedi, Qumran, Masada, the Dead Sea and I’m sure I’m forgetting more.

WHAT I'LL TAKE AWAY
The biggest lesson I learned was how REAL our God is. Seeing the land of Israel is like having a firsthand encounter with our Lord’s humility and His faithfulness. Only God would chose such a place as the center of His earthly ministry. Only God would chose such a humble people as His chosen nation. Only God! No human could conjure it up and no man would dream it. I stand in awe of our great God!